Apollo's Inferno
by Fanficaddict12
Summary: The power's out, and Apollo, Trucy and Phoenix are snowed in the Wright Anything Agency. Apollo decides to entertain them by reading the classic tale of Dante's Inferno...In his own style. A FEW SPOILERS.


Disclaimer: I do not own Ace Attorney or Dante's Inferno. (or just Inferno, whatever)

**A/N:** I played the Dante's Inferno demo on PS3. There were boobs in every cutscene. ._. Anyway, it's time to take the original Dante's Inferno and make it all Ace Attorney…y. So, enjoy!

**WARNING: **I have never read the actual Dante's Inferno. I have only read a quick overview, so this story will be (humorously) based on that. Also, some pieces of the story will be skipped.

-

Apollo Justice, Trucy and Phoenix Wright were watching TV together at the Wright Anything Agency. They were watching a weather update to learn when the snow would end. Apparently, it wasn't anytime soon.

Their city didn't get much snow, but when they did, it snowed _hard._ In fact, there were snowed in right now and were completely bored. Then, just when things couldn't get any worse, the power went out. The three groaned.

Apollo felt his way through the cluttered Wright Anything Agency and found a candle and some matches. He sat across Trucy and Phoenix and lit the candle on the table.

"Stupid snow…" Trucy grumbled. "First we get snowed in, now we have no power. Now what'll we do?" She turned to her father. "Daddy, any suggestions?"

Phoenix thought over what they should do. "Hey Apollo," he finally said. "Why don't you get a book from the bookcase? You can read it to us."

"Why do I have to read it?" Apollo asked. "You can read, can't you?"

"Come on, Polly! Just pick a book! I'm bored!" Trucy whined.

Apollo sighed heavily. There was nothing that irritated him more than to hearing Trucy whine. He got out of his seat and trudged over to the bookcase in the corner of the room. He scanned the titles of the books, trying to find and interesting title. The Diamond of Darkhold…Special…Double Fudge…

"Aha!" Apollo said suddenly. He took out a book from the bookshelf. "Dante's Inferno! I love this one!"

"I've never read that one," Trucy said as Apollo walked back to his seat.

"It's a good read," Apollo told her as he sat down. He opened the book, cleared his throat, and began to read…

-

Deep in a dark forest on the evening of Good Friday in the year 1300, Apollo Alighieri roamed, looking for a way out. "Aw man, I must've been roaming this forest for hours and I still can't find my way out." he muttered to himself. "I could've sworn I've seen that rock before…"

After traveling for half an hour, Apollo came across a large mountain. He smiled. _I bet if I climb this I can see the whole forest and find my way out,_ he thought. He attempted to the climb the mountain when a leopard, a lion, and a she-wolf leaped out in front of him. They growled and bared their teeth at him. "Ookaaay, maybe not…" he said, slowly backing away from the animals.

Apollo trudged grumpily back into the forest. "I can't go back there with all those vicious animals. I guess I'll have to find another way to get o-"

"Not so fast!" a voice interrupted him.

Apollo turned to the voices. Out from the shadows of the tree's emerged a man who looked like a wolf, and a woman with short, white hair, both wearing sunglasses. Apollo was cautious of the two. "W-Who are you people?"

The man, with a wide grin on his face, ripped the sunglasses off his face. He then introduced himself. "My name is Virgil Lang, the Roman poet."

"Oh." Apollo turned to the woman nest to him. His eyes widened. "Whoa! Is that Lady Gaga!?"

"Wha-NO! This is my subordinate, Shih-na!"

"……..Nice to meet you," Shih-na said softly.

"Oh, likewise…" Apollo sighed. He was a huge Lady Gaga fan. "Hey, wait! You had no subordinate in Dante's Inferno!"

"Well this is a remake! I can have whoever I want in this!" Lang objected. "Now listen. I am a ghost sent by your beloved Trucy to guide you."

Apollo was shocked. Not only at the fact that there were two ghosts in front of him, but to hear about his deceased sweetheart, Trucy. "S-she sent you to me?"

"Yes, along with two other holy women." As Lang said that, Shih-na took out pictures of all three women: Trucy, Maya and Kay. "I've been asked to guide you up that mountain and through the gates of Hell, where we will soon make it to Heaven, and you'll be reunited with your beloved Trucy and learn the error of your ways. What do you say, Apollo? Will you come with us?"

Apollo didn't know what to say. He missed Trucy dearly…Eventually, he answered, "OK. I'll go with you."

"Excellent. Let's go."

-

After scaling the mountain, Apollo, Lang and Shih-na made it to the gates of Hell. Apollo was shaken and intimidated at the sight of Hell. He was even more shaken at the sight of the inscription on the gate saying 'Abandon all hope, you who enter here.' "Um…maybe this isn't the best idea…" he commented.

"Nonsense," Lang laughed. "Come on, don't be a big baby." He pushed Apollo into the gates. "Get in there!"

Apollo groaned as he and the others walked through the gates of Hell and past the Ante-Inferno. Eventually they made to the river Acheron, where there saw a man in an orange jacket with spiky, brown hair.

"Apollo, this is Charon Butz. He's the ferryman that will help us cross Acheron and into Hell." Lang explained.

"Alright then," Apollo responded.

The three boarded the ferry and Butz rowed them over to the border of Hell. Halfway there, Apollo tried to break the silence of the trip. "So, Charon…how long have you been a ferryman?" he asked.

"All eternity," Butz replied grumpily.

"Oh…So…Um…How's Hell?"

Butz turned around and scowled at Apollo. "'How's Hell?'" he repeated. "You're actually gonna ask me 'How's Hell?' What, were you to expecting me to say 'It's nice?'"

"Yeesh, I was just trying to make small talk. No need to be so snarky."

Butz sighed. "Y-You're right, I'm sorry. It's just that….my girlfriend was placed in the Second Circle of Hell and…It's pretty hard for me right now."

"Sorry to hear that…" Shih-na said.

"Thanks…"

After crossing the river into Hell, the trio saw the First Circle of Hell, Limbo, which holds pagans and many great writers and poets, including Lang and Shih-na. The three venture onward to the border of the Second Circle of Hell, Lust.

As they passed through a courthouse-like building into the circle, Apollo got a little curious of something. "Hey poet, what's behind that door over there?" he asked.

Lang and Shih-na stopped and turned to him. "Beyond that door is Minos, the Judge of the Dead. His jobs it to assign souls to a certain circle in Hell." Lang explained.

"Oh. Well can I see him?"

"Can't right now. Trial is in session right now."

Meanwhile, inside the courtroom, Phoenix and Miles Edgeworth were throwing "Objection!"s left and right, as a soul was put on trial. Eventually, the Judge slammed his gavel.

"Enough!" the Judge ordered. "I think I've heard enough to cast a verdict. I sentence the defendant, Mr. Dick Gumshoe, to…" The Judge then wrapped his tail around his body seven times. "…the Seventh Circle of Hell. Court is adjourned."

The trio ventured onward to the Second Circle of Hell. There, Apollo watched in amazement as thousands upon thousands of souls were caught in a terrible whirlwind. "Wow…" he said to himself.

"Yeah. Maybe now you'll think twice before falling victim to Lust," Lang commented.

Suddenly, a soul flew out of the whirlwind and landed face first on the ground next to the three. "Ew, one fell out," Apollo said in disgust.

"…Is it OK?" Shih-na asked.

"Try poking at it with a stick," Lang suggested.

Apollo just glared at Lang. "What stick, Virgil? We're in Hell!"

Lang just rolled his eyes. Eventually, the soul, which was a girl with short, pink hair, got up from the floor. "Ouch…" the soul groaned. She turned to Apollo, who was staring at her, and glared at him. "WHAT?"

Apollo stepped back in terror from the intimidating girl. "Um...how did you wind up here?"

"Well, it's the Circle of Lust. How do you think I got here!?"

Apollo was completely terrified. He turned to Lang and Shih-na. "Jeez, is everyone in Hell so rude?"

The two just gave Apollo a look that said, "Seriously?" Apollo disregarded their looks and turned back to the girl. "OK, so tell me more about yourself."

The girl suddenly turned from vicious to eager. "Ooh, well, my name is April da Rimini, and I, like, committed adultery with my husband's brother. When he saw us together he killed me."

"Really? Yikes, a simple divorce probably would've been fine."

"Well, all sins must be paid for," Shih-na stated.

"Well I'd think this is enough." Apollo then walked over to the back of April. "Well, it's been great meeting you, April, but its back into the whirlwind you go!"

April shrieked as Apollo kicked her back into the whirlwind. Apollo snickered a little, and Shih-na completely lost it. "Jeez, Shih-na, it's not that funny," he said.

"She has a really bad sense of humor," Lang told him, which only angered Shih-na.

The trio continued with their journey through Hell. They passed through the Third Circle of Hell (which made Apollo never want to Supersize at McDonalds ever again), the Fourth Circle of Hell (Shih-na laughed hard when she saw Redd White get hit with that boulder), and they eventually make it to the river of Styx in the Fifth Circle of Hell.

Apollo gazed at the Fifth Circle of Hell, horrified at what he was seeing. The wrathful were beating each other savagely, whilst the sullen were drowning in the swampy cesspool. "This is horrible…" he muttered to himself.

"I'll say..." Lang said.

Apollo turned to the wrathful souls, and stared at one of them, his jaw dropped. Shih-na noticed this. "Is something wrong, Apollo?"

"Th-that man…" Apollo pointed a man with long, blonde hair in anger. "Klavier Argenti…My old rival."

At that very instant, Klavier was attacked by many wrathful souls, which started ripping him to pieces. A large grin formed on Apollo's face, and he eventually broke out into laughter. Shih-na (being herself) also broke out into laughter. Eventually, Lang couldn't help but snicker.

"Pwwwwwph…Stop it guys, your laughter's contagious!" Lang snickered.

After crossing the Styx, the trio makes it to the gates of the city of Dis, which was a city within the larger region of Hell. The three tried crossing the gate, but two demons blocked their path.

"Um…excuse me, but I'm Virgil Lang, and I'm here to shoe this guy Hell-"

"Whippersnapper!" one of the older demons exclaimed.

Lang just stared at the demon blankly. "Wh…What?"

"I will not let you whippersnappers pass through this gate! You have no need to be here. I mean, not everyone can just go wandering around Hell wilily-nilily! We don't need no whippersnappers-"

"You!" Shih-na shouted to the other demon, interrupting the other. "Please let us through."

The other demon just saluted at the trio and said, "Sir! I'm afraid I can't let you do that! No wanders are allowed into Dis! Strict orders!"

The three marched away from the demons and started conversing with each other. "Now what? Is there another path we can take?" Apollo asked.

"No." Shih-na answered. "It's impossible to go further into Hell without crossing Dis."

"So…is this where it ends?"

"Fools! Letting two mere demons stop you." A voice called out to them.

The three turned their attention to a girl with short, blue hair and a whip and wings on her back walk toward them. "Who are you?" Apollo asked.

"My name is Franziska, and I've been sent from Heaven to help you with your little problem," the angel told them. The angel stepped up to the two demons and glared at them. "I understand you won't let these three enter Dis."

"Correct!" the old demon proclaimed. "We aren't about to let some whippersnappers-"

Suddenly, Franziska whipped both of the demons, making them both scream "YEEOW!" simultaneously. She put her whip over her head and said, "Foolish fools! You'd best let these fools pass, or my WHIP will SNAP you!"

"Alright, alright, we'll open the gate…" the older demon groaned.

"No need to be so assertive…" the other demon added.

As the demons opened the gate to Dis, Apollo smiled at Franziska and said, "Thank you, Franziska-OOW!" Franziska whipped all three of them. They all sneered at Franziska and shouted, "What was that for!?"

"For wasting my time!" Franziska said. "Now, don't make me have to come back down here, or I'll whip you even harder!" With that, Franziska flew back to Heaven. The three just watched her, confused.

After traveling farther and farther through Hell, the trio made it to the border of the Ninth Circle of Hell. There, they found the Giant's Well, which they gazed into. Apollo whistled, which echoed through the well. "That is quite the drop…" he remarked.

"Down here leads to the final Circle of Hell: the frozen lake known as Cocytus." Lang told him. "Now come on. Let's head down."

"How? There's no way possible way we can climb down there."

"You can with my help," a loud voice said.

The three turned around to see a large giant behind them, drinking coffee. The giant slammed his coffee on the ground (causing it to shake) and introduced himself. "I am Antaeus Armando, and I will help you descend into Cocytus."

Armando suddenly grabbed the trio, picked them up and set them at the bottom of the well, into the frozen lake of Cocytus. When they were safely placed on the lake, they look up at Armando and shouted, "Thank you!"

Armando, coffee back in hand, shouted back, "No problem!" When he did that, however, he spilled a few drops of his large coffee. The three hurled themselves away from the massive drops of coffee, which melted a lot of ice. "Oops…Sorry!"

The three picked themselves up and continued their journey. Apollo looked at the frozen lake, and was surprised to see people's heads sticking out of it. "This is the First Ring of the Ninth Circle, called Caina. Here, people who have betrayed their kin are forever submerged in the Cocytus.

"You don't say…" Apollo mumbled. He wasn't looking here we was going, and accidently kicked a woman with large, black hair. The woman gave him an evil glare and shouted, "Watch where you're going!"

Apollo stepped back. "Yeesh, sorry, buddy!"

"I'm not your buddy, friend!

"He's not your friend, girl!" Shih-na said, defending Apollo.

"I'm not your girl, buddy!"

"She's not your buddy, firend!" Lang exclaimed.

"I'm not your friend, guy!"

The three decided that this meaningless argument was going nowhere, so they decided to leave the woman. The three continued their journey through the Ninth Circle of Hell. Eventually, Apollo saw a large figure up ahead, shrouded in mist.

Apollo's curiosity peaked. He walked up closer to the figure, and was absolutely horrified at what he saw.

"That's Lucifer," Lang explained, he and Shih-na catching up to Apollo.

Apollo continued to gaze at the intimidating creature. He was submerged waist-deep into the frozen lake, and there was something in his mouth. "Wh-What's in his mouth?"

"In his mouth are the three most sinful people in all of history: Manfred von Karma, Shelly de Killer, and Ambassador Alba. Lucifer's body is submerged into the center of the Earth, where he was placed when God threw him down there. Well, let's go."

"G-Go where? I don't see any way to get past him…"

"Oh? Well, there is. The only way to get past him is to climb down him."

Apollo slowly starting backing away. He shook his head rapidly. "N-No! I refuse! Y-You're a crazy person!"

Lang grabbed Apollo, who tried to break free of his grip. "Now come on! Do you want to see Trucy or not!?"

Apollo sighed deeply. He mustered up enough courage to get closer to the large demon. "O-OK…but you guys go first."

Lang and Shih-na sighed and started climbing down the hairs of Lucifer. Apollo climbed down as well, but at a slower and more cautious rate. After the three successfully descended down Lucifer, Apollo sighed heavily with relief. "I never want to do something that stupid again…That was stupid…Why do I keep doing stupid things?" he sighed.

"Come on you big baby, it wasn't that bad," Lang said. "Now come on, Lethe, the river of forgetfulness, is just up ahead."

The trio continued and made it to the river called Lethe. They successfully crossed the river, where the exit to Hell was located. The three escaped Hell and made it back to Earth. They gazed at the sunrise that was emerging.

"Yes, we're finally out of that hellhole…No pun intended." Apollo said, relieved to be back on Earth. "Looks like we made it just in time for Easter…Hey, I think that forgetful river got to me…Why did we go through Hell again?"

"Oh, that's because…Um…" Lang said. He didn't really know himself. "Uh…Shih-na?"

"…I don't remember, sir," Shih-na responded.

"Huh…well, I guess I'll see you later, Apollo."

"Yeah, see ya Virgil. Later Shih-na." Apollo watched as Lang and Shih-na left. He checked his surroundings. It turns out he was back at the same dark forest he was at before. Suddenly, he got his memory back. "HEY! I remember now! You promised me we'd go to Heaven and see Trucy!" Apollo got no answer, so he tried running toward them and find them. "VIRGIL! SHIH-NA! WHERE AER YOU!?"

Eventually, he saw a figure hiding in the trees. He ran toward it and tackled it. "Gotcha! Now bring me to Trucy-Huh?"

It turns out the figure was neither Lang nor Shih-na. It was a woman with large, orange hair. The woman glared at Apollo and exclaimed. "Whaddya doin!? I nearly had the Easter Bunny! I woulda been filthy rich!"

-

"The end," Apollo concluded, closing the book.

"That was a great story, Polly!" Trucy said. At that very moment, the power turned back on, and the three of them cheered. "Yes! The power conveniently turned back on when you finished the story!" Trucy dashed over to the nearest window to check on the snow as well. "It stopped snowing, too! We'll be out of here in no time.

"Good to hear," Phoenix said.

-

**A/N:** Sorry if I did anything wrong. But just remember, this is supposed to be a humorous remake, so some facts are purposely tweaked with. Hope you liked it! **Reviews make the world go round.**


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